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Today is one of the bad days.
Today, I spend an hour over the page, spelling out my name onto paper, over and over and over again until it’s all I can see.
A curve here. A line there. A dot. Repeat.
A tear drops onto the ink and leaves a speckle of blue that wobbles when I breathe out.
Pulse rising, heart pounding.
It’s all wrong.
It isn’t me.
The paper cackles as I crush it, mocking.
I feel like a mirage, as if I’m made of smoke, fading into nothingness.
A cold squall of wind could hiss my way, and I’d be gone, only two sets of nails and thirty-four teeth swirling in a spiral down to the ground.
And then, just as quickly, they’ll turn to dust and ash, blown away in a gust of grey.
Maybe someone will look up as I billow past them, a look of distant incomprehension on their face.
Maybe another will mouth a perfect ‘O’ as my hand fleets right through their arm, grasping for a berth.
The moment will be forgotten as quickly as it came.
I’ll be forgotten.
I could have never existed.
Memories are dust. I’d lean on words any day.
On the desk I write on is etched three words and a date.
S.R. loves J.D. 2007.
If I close my eyes, I can look up and see two pale, shimmery shapes rise up from the letters, hands clutched together, eyes shining, a tender glance, a subtle kiss. I love you.
No one can refute that now. It’s evidence. Evidence that they existed, that they lived, that they loved.
I would like to have that, I think.
Decades later, I would like for a hand to run its fingers over my carving, sharpen the edges, perfect the letters. I would like to become a part of the wood, to live forever through it.
And if my name is on the page, if my name is scrawled on some distant pillar, I tell myself: I can’t disappear.
I was here.
See?
I told you.
I told you I was.
That’s my name, I was here.
I rip the page and start over.
The paper cackles as I crush it.
Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash
Lovely writing, Natalie.
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Thank you so much, Shona! ❤
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I felt that like you were etching it into my brain.👍
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this is awesome,..i would love to hear your thoughts on my new blog (https://ceoanchordynastyrecords.wordpress.com/2018/09/22/a-precarious-universe/)
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Thank you so much! I’ll definitely check it out.
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I felt this one all the way to my bones. Being forgotten is one of my deepest, worst fears, and this piece captures the feeling perfectly. Thank you so much for pushing through the bad days and letting your own work it’s magic like this!
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That really means a lot to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts here! ❤
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Excellent description – I have been there so often – or rather, parts of me have. I love your clarity to observe it and share it
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I’m so glad you liked it, Leelah! Thank you so much! ❤
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You can carve your experience into our hearts.
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That’s such a beautiful thing to say, truly… thank you so much! ❤
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I like that Natalie…. you so just draw me in with your writing..
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Thank you so much, Christine! That really means a lot ❤
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This was a real carving👌
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Awesome. Loved this !!
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Glad you liked it! Thank you so much! ❤
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Wonderful.
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Thank you! ❤
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I love your story.
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Thank you so much! ❤
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As I sit by my mom’s bedside awaiting her imminent death, this writing you offer today is a deep insight – mom’s feeling too.
“I feel like a mirage, as if I’m made of smoke, fading into nothingness.”
Your writing is a lovely expression of our bodily mortality.
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That really means a lot to me, Jandvig. I can’t possibly imagine what you must be going through and I really hope my piece was of little comfort to you, if any. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts here ❤
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‘… as my hand fleets right through their arm, grasping for a berth.’
How swift! How lovely! Thanks, Natalie.
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Glad you liked it, Nick! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! ❤
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A very haunting passage that so fittingly describes a fear so many of us carry.
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Glad you liked it, Diego! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! ❤
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An emotional piece beautifully done. You are a Poet, and I’m so pleased to follow your site!
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That really means a lot to me. Thank you so much! ❤
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It rightly captures the human want of being alive even after death… beautiful ♥️
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That’s definitely an interesting perspective… thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts here! ❤
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The pleasure’s all mine
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Ohh! This is deep! 👍🏾
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Glad you liked it! ❤
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Wow!
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Good morning, Natalie. This is powerful stuff, and captures something innate to all of us, the desire to leave a mark, to be remembered. You speak in your bio of “blurring the lines;” here in the age of instant publishing, many writers speak of their “special skills” without actually demonstrating them. This is as perfect a demonstration of the art as I’ve seen in a good long time, and I thank you for sharing it with us.
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I’m honoured you thought so, Jack. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts here! It really means a lot to me ❤️
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Thank you for this subtle description of writing, memory, and emotions as they rise and ebb … and burn.
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That really means a lot to me, Susan. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! ❤️
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Perhaps all of our comings and goings and memories are etched in eternity somewhere.
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That’s really a beautiful thought… thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts here! It really means a lot ❤️
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Beautiful writing. Taken aback startled at the depths to which you have waddled. As good as one can get with “just words”. More than a decade now since the etching. Just beautiful.
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Thank you so much, Has. So glad you liked it! ❤️
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I have goosebumps! The blend of yearning and desire create such a feeling of intensity. I love it.
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Thank you so much! Glad you liked it! ❤️
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I loved this.
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Astonishing. Perfect. Thank you!
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This is beautiful 💚
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Thank you so much! ❤
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Hellol! I absolutely loved this post!!
Mind checking out my latest one. Do let me know what you think of it. Here’s the link: https://vodkandcokeplease.wordpress.com/2018/09/24/different-strokes-no-soul/
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I definitely will. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! ❤
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If you plan on writing a book in the future, you can count on me to buy it. From the beginning, you’re writing was like a song to me. Now, it harmonizes with emotions. Great piece!
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That really means a lot to me, John. Thank you so much! ❤
No plans yet, though: I'm afraid I have neither the patience nor the discipline for it 😉
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Check out
https://kxngkaiart.wordpress.com/2018/09/26/life/
Just explains life.
Awesome writing Natalie
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Hi. This Day you describe. When emotion overrides even our writing. Our soul writhes in the pain unable to be freed. Yet. You did. So try. Thanks for putting such into Words of Wisdom.
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That was really a beauitful way to put it… thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts here! It really means a lot ❤
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hi again-’tis a… new approach. My Ways and Training are not so socially adept at these Times and Places. Yet and much. Is appreciated. So you should know. What you write. You write well as. As well as any of Our World Legends. Till next…
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Your writing is beautiful!
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Thank you so much, Hannah!
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Eloquent and moving. Will resonate with many, I suspect.
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Glad you liked it! Thank you so much! ❤
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You’re welcome!
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I love everything about this💕 The pace for it was perfect🙌🏾 I don’t want to sound greedy lol but give more 😊
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Haha thank you so much! Glad you liked it! ❤
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Reblogged this on crjen1958.
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Thank you so much, Chris! Glad you liked it! ❤
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What’s not to like it was brilliant!
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Outstanding post!
i found the material enlightening, an the way you laid-out the page, interesting..
i truly enjoyed read,
chris
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I think you would like this. You probably even know this.
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45536/ode-intimations-of-immortality-from-recollections-of-early-childhood
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Mmm that was such a beautiful piece.
Especially that last line: “The meanest flower that blows can give- thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.”
For some reason, it really struck a chord in me…
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It is the true secret of happiness.
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Loved it, you really know how to bring the reader in and feel exactly what you intend them to. Nice, it made my wheels turn and want to rehash any old emotions i have locked and put away in the corners of my mind. But if I go searching for it… I don’t think I’d like what i would find. The past is just that and I put all of it away to save my sanity. I don’t think I could handle all of the bad thing that has been done to me.. See you have me blogging in your comments.. Great job
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Glad you liked it, Gary! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts here! ❤
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Thank gods I found you again. I was so stressed when the darkest tunnel was gone! Your poems really touched my heart and brought alot of feelings to me. Thank you for making things better again! ^_^ To become part of the wood, to live through it. Nicely written! Never have I felt the fear of disappearing without a trace, maybe I should start leaving marks! XD
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Haha, thank you so much! Really touched you feel that way ❤
And I have a feeling I'm here to stay, so you'll definitely be seeing me around for a while. I truly appreciate the support, thank you so much for that. This comment just made my day ❤
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Glad you liked it, Andrea! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! ❤️
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Nice! Reminds me that within my creative life I’ve found it helpful to remember “focus on what you’re doing instead of how well you’re doing it.”. Helps me to just “get it done” – I can tweak it later. What matters is that we keep going!
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Definitely true… I find that’s the only thing that really works with writer’s block: write now, edit later.
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Yes, sheer keeping-the-pen-moving (edit tomorrow) followed by the promise of a bit of chocolate after the pages are written. 😉
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Don’t crush that paper! 🙂
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This was beautiful, your writing is incredible!
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Thank you so much! That really means a lot ❤
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I think this is wow and very lovely writes! This moved me and also inspired me greatly. Cheers and peace to you.
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Glad you liked it! Thank you so much! ❤
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Love! ❤️
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Thank you! ❤
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Wow, this is amazing, the power of a few words
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Glad you liked it, Nathan! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! ❤
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That’s very powerful writing, thank you.
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Glad you liked it! Thank you so much! ❤
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Wow, this is beautiful writing!!
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Glad you liked it! Thank you so much! ❤
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I’m very glad you are here. Tonight… I became glad that I am here also. I’m etching the proof that I was here by leaving this comment. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to linger in your words. However… I am wondering… if perhaps… when I press the “post comment” button… my laptop might cackle.
Hope you have a most beautiful day, Natalie.
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Hey Michael,
Thank you so much for taking the time to drop by and leave such a lovely comment! It really means a lot.
You too! ❤
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So glad I found your blog … your writing is so authentic, honest and heartfelt. Going to keep reading more now.
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That really means a lot to me. Thank you so much! ❤
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This was an amazing read! Love how you immerse the reader into the scene, beautifully expressed! 🙂
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Glad you liked it, Tom! Thank you so much! ❤
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