Like dying, yes.

If you are reading this, we have moved on.

Or type this link into your browser: https://shreyavikram.com

Sometimes, when I’m being tired, I like to raise a fingernail to light. Watch colors crumble from white. Rain. Like glitter. A flash, a reckoning, then nothing. So pretty.

Go on, go, tell yourself this doesn’t exist. Tell yourself it’s an illusion, light moving too fast and too slow and never enough.

Go on, move, and see. Rain leaves crumbles of glitter and you’ll miss it if you blink.

Blink fast enough, hard enough, you’ll lose it, to this terrible, vast featureless landscape beneath.

And maybe, in this place, where nothing is right and nothing is wrong, and nothing is bright and nothing dark, maybe in this place, you’ll be able to see yourself as a life and not a reflection of one.

A life and not a reflection of one.

Was it always in us to look only for the impossible?

Was it always in us to ask only for the ungivable?

Thirty-six minutes since starshine and in the muted dark, I think about how so much of what we do and who we are is decided for us. How little choice we have. Over the things we want and the things we make and the things that are in us forever and the next day.

Over the snakes in our head, the ones on our feet; headless and shackles.

My mind is caught in its own fall. Now I think about how the adjective and the noun.

How they are replaceable. But only when plural. How even language will make an exception when they are many. Pressed into the same syntax. Headless and Shackles. Thin lines. Thin lines between the word and its features. How intertwined they are, yet separate, like a death to dying.

There is no death without the dying, of course. I know this.

 There is no death without the dying, and yet there can be no comparison between a corpse and its body.

But this is wrong too. The word corpse, altered from the word corse, originally used to denote the living body, now the dead.

Is it time I am missing here?

Is that it?

Sometimes, when I’m being faded, I like to believe that a nothingness would be its own kind of paradise.

Because what is heaven if not a place with no memory to hold itself? And what is a god if not a heart with no mind to arm itself?

Or is it the other way around? A mind with no heart to arm itself?

I hardly know anymore.

This is all I know: it was never the body I craved, with all its hungered flaw and bone. Not the body, sealed like a kiss, gift-wrapped and shackled in salt and iron.

No, I craved the mind, in pure form.

And it was this god I was offered. And it was this madness that I took.

There, I thought, maybe I will finally learn how to be cut without being breached.

And there, at last, maybe I will be a thing held and hummed and not forgotten, because I hear that you can’t be taken away against your will if you give yourself first.

Do you hear me? I’ll give myself. First. Already.

I swear it. I swear it, I do. I do. To the old gods and the new, to this word and the next and what comes after, to the stars that were only ever the tears of an unseen sun, to whatever else is watching when you don’t, I swear it.

To find this thing and lose myself to it, or lose myself in the searching. Which, I suppose, is the same thing.

For whatever it’s worth, for whatever I’m worth, I’ll give myself to what lies and the truth beyond, to something big and beautiful and colorless and shadowless, like dying, yes, and they were wrong, when they told us to subtract when you add a negative number, they were all wrong.

A loss added will always be something more. A loss will always make more of you.

As a rule, a loss makes room for you. As a rule, breathe into this space when you’d rather die. As a rule, do not think about being a loss instead of being lost. When you’d rather die.

Sometimes, when I’m naive, I like to think that’s why we cut ourselves to the bone. So we could be more.

It would be like a dying, yes.

I think I would.

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Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

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76 Comments Add yours

  1. Either the beauty of this post made me giddy with pleasure or I’m coming down with some illness — because grew light-headed reading it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Paul. So glad you enjoyed it!<3

      Like

  2. Tom Burton says:

    Another beautiful read, Shreya, with such evocative flowing imagery! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Tom!<3

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, William.<3

      Like

  3. I believe you are closer to the truth than you know. 🙂 Keep living life well.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Jane.<3

      Like

  4. ignited says:

    Felt.. Enjoyed immensely

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Sid says:

    “Because what is heaven if not a place with no memory to hold itself? And what is a god if not a heart with no mind to arm itself?” Beautiful lines. Really amazing and powerful 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Sid!<3

      Like

  6. Agyani says:

    There are posts which make you think, and there are posts where your mind buzzes with thoughts and reflection on its own. Your works are always of the latter kind for me, Shreya. This is a post with such profound thoughts, but what’s captivating is the clarity with which the confusion is portrayed.
    Stunning.
    Beautiful.
    🙌
    These lines highlighted by Sid reminded me why I chose writing as my career. I totally second his fascination with them.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ahh thank you so much for this, Agyani. Notes like these make my day. ❤

      Like

  7. Rupa Rao says:

    wow!! nicely put together!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Rupa.<3

      Like

  8. notlimey says:

    Words that sing…..

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Edward.<3

      Like

  9. Really beautiful! And that photo too…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Mmm Unsplash is taking my breath away.<3

      Like

  10. There is some fascinating reflective work here, intriguing to read how you view so many events within a single piece of work. Who would you say the ‘audience’ was? Maybe the audience is you? A very interesting read, but my curiosity is more who it was written for rather than why it was written, the latter question might then be asked in some form 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The creative process has always been more of a revealing than creating for me. In the dream state of prose, without the barriers of chronology or fact, the mind wanders into territory unfamiliar yet deeply innate. Often, I start out in this foreign narrative most people call fiction, but on retrospect, every word is relevant to me.

      All art is introspection, isn’t it? When I think of this now, it strikes me that maybe, it’s this place where I’ll be able to see myself as a life and not a reflection of one. And maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to it.

      So yes, though I’ve never thought of it that way, I suppose my audience has and will always be me. Who ever claimed art doesn’t demand a touch of narcissism?

      Liked by 1 person

    2. All art is introspection… in a way I agree. Yet as artists we sometimes write for others and then, are we writing for them, about them, or merely exploring our own emotions through ‘their eyes’ . If I write a love poem for a special person I am interested in how the words play on their emotions, and not mine. That also tells you that poet writing in that way needs to consider very carefully how you affect the emotions of others. Hopefully, I will be able to read more of your work 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Beautiful prose, Shreya. I interpreted this piece as a sort of desperate soul-searching, in which we kill ourselves trying to find “ourselves,” if that makes sense. I dunno, it’s how I interpreted it based on my experiences. But I never associated it with dying, though it does make sense. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for liking my post the other day.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hardly think there’s a ‘right’ interpretation: it’s what you feel that matters. Thank you for offering a new angle!<3

      Like

  12. hmaxwell217 says:

    This is the type of poetry I love to read, yet dare not write myself. I feel like it can be so dark that it is bright. Meaning there is a need to turn away. Not many people can look at the sun at its brightest.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ahhh thank you for this. Thrilled to hear you enjoyed the read<3

      Like

  13. This is so well written😍awesome✨

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Pulkit!<3

      Like

  14. wishfinger says:

    This is truly an incredible piece. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. Glad you enjoyed the read!<3

      Like

  15. thepensmight says:

    As a;ways, your writing leaves me amazed and humbled. Your prose is lyrical and leads to unexpected places, which are obvious in retrospect. Thinking of David’s comments, while I believe all art and writing and truly in form expression is autobiographical, I believe it’s driven by the need to somehow express who we are and how the cosmos speaks to us and through us. I simply love your writing and understand why you have so many followers and elicit such a response in your comments and elsewhere..

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ahh thank you so much for this, Philip. I love what you’ve said about the need to express who we are, even as we see this self more clearly with each word. Your encouragement is a kindness I don’t take for granted.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. -Eugenia says:

    I look at this as a discussion with your inner-self. I believe we all have those type discussions from time to time and if not, we should. Brava!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Eugenia. Delighted to hear it resonated<3

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Gordon says:

    Complex thought inspiring dialogue left me deliciously dizzy.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Gordon.

      Like

    1. Thank you for the mention!<3

      Like

    1. Thank you, Aisha.<3

      Like

  18. Mr Talkative says:

    So beautifully depicted 😮🤞

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Hey!! This is beautiful❤️ I loved it.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. A thoughtful piece of writing with a real soul. I also love how you respond to all the comments and engage with the readers. – As in the digital world, the human touch can get lost, so it’s good to see 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah I feel the same. Besides, when there are people out there who are taking the time out of their lives to read your work and say something sweet, the least you can do it thank them for it.<3

      Liked by 1 person

  21. astridladams says:

    Absolutely lovely! Marvelous work.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Astrid.<3

      Like

  22. I love the imagery in your writing. I wish you the best of luck on your new website domain.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Priscilla. This means so much to me.<3

      Like

  23. cgdtaylor says:

    I love the line – A loss makes room for you.
    Very thought-provoking.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Graham.<3

      Like

  24. karleyyalday says:

    Hey there, Sweetie! I have participated on a nomination and was given the chance to nominate other bloggers as well. I’ve decided to choose you as one! 🙂 Hope you could find time to check out the rules via https://karleyyaldayexperiences.com/2019/07/03/real-neat-award-nomination-by-zarbakht-bilal/

    🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for thinking of me, Karley. I might not be able to officially accept the nomination, but trust me when I say I appreciate the gesture. It means so much.<3

      Liked by 1 person

    2. karleyyalday says:

      I understand. Thanks, Shreya! ♥️

      Liked by 1 person

  25. So dark but intriqing at the same time

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Glad to hear you enjoyed the piece!<3

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Yes! keep them coming

      Liked by 1 person

  26. So nice…it touched me ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re welcome

      Liked by 1 person

  27. neseknows says:

    I’m always amazed by your post. You truly inspire me to give my best work.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Nese. This means so much<3

      Like

    1. Thank you for the reblog!<3

      Like

  28. antonia_ says:

    Wow so fascinating! Love this post

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Antonia.<3

      Liked by 1 person

  29. I had the same issue. I decided to keep my WordPress account as well as my self=hosted account. It wasn’t going to cost me anything and I could put my web address on my WordPress posts. I am still working out it all out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mmm almost everyone who’s shifted to self-hosted has the same problem. I suppose it makes sense that WordPress doesn’t want to make it easy for you to leave.

      Liked by 1 person

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